Sunday, April 26, 2009

Let It Go

Alright, I'm done tip toeing around. I've been second guessing myself long enough, and I'm tired of it. It's not like me. I tend to think long-term, take things in stride, etc. Think things through, don't knee-jerk react. Which is exactly what building walls allows you to do.

So I'm going to let my guard down and go with the flow, see where it takes me. I have a feeling I should have done that a long time ago.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


The blurriness of the woman... I think it represents my apprehension towards long term commitment. Let's say tomorrow I figure out who this perfect woman for me is. Would I be ready to commit to her? Shape my life around her? Introduce her to my family?

I honestly don't think so. Not yet. It seems as though I'm waiting for something. Like I've closed off a piece of myself to everyone, built up walls, thrown myself behind lock and key. If I open it too soon, things will backfire on me. I'm just not prepared to let anybody in. Not yet.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

What does it mean?

My first thought was that this blurry woman represented the missing member of my family -- a wife. Obviously I'm perfectly happy with my children. But my love life, well, that's a different story altogether.

Since I couldn't make out any details of this woman, I initially thought I hadn't met her yet. She was a placeholder for someone I would meet in the future. Seems logical enough.

Then I considered it more closely. Maybe she represents someone I already know. Someone I had never considered in that way before. Or someone who I had met but the timing just wasn't right. Someone who I subconsciously considered to be a good mother figure, since my kids were apparently comfortable with her being there, and us showing affection to each other.

Another possibility arose -- a more sobering one. She represents my decisive split. As though I chose my kids over a satisfying love life. I would not have another love until I felt the kids were ready to accept the fact that their mom and I would never get back together. Like I'm putting up a shield to this mystery woman because I feel as though it would hurt my kids.

But why the toes then? Why can I see the toes with such clarity? And why are the only sounds and scents I detect from the ocean? I can see this woman's silhouette but not hear her speak, smell her hair, or even feel her touch (other than her pinky).

Then it dawned on me. I find almost every part of an attractive woman arousing. Except the toes. That's the one body part which does absolutely nothing for me. The only possible reason my subconscious would lock in on the toes would be to prevent all the other traits of this woman from distracting me.

This woman is my true love.

The woman who will lie next to me, reading in bed after a long day, whose toes I will glance at time and again just because I'm infatuated with her. The woman whose strapped shoes I will help her slide on after our salsa dancing lessons. The woman who I feel myself rambling on to about my dreams, my fears, my doubts, my goals -- all while our toes poke through the big ugly macrame blanket in front of a fire on an especially cold November night. The woman who watches Serendipity for the twentieth time with me on the couch, her head on my shoulder, our feet gently caressing one another.

That's something I hope to make a reality someday.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Why toes?

Since my separation in 2005 and my subsequent divorce in 2006, I've had a recurring dream. I'm sitting on a beach somewhere, my son building a sand castle and my daughter picking up seashells. Random people are walking by intermittently, none of whom I recognize. I can taste the salt on my lips and feel the continuous humid breeze against my face. My back is tender from a slight sunburn.

There is a woman sitting next to me, someone whose pinky is intertwined with mine as we prop ourselves up to enjoy the ocean view. Obviously I'm close with her -- neither of us speaks to the other, as there is no need for small talk. We're just enjoying the moment.

Whenever I turn to look at this woman, she is always a blur. Like I'm looking at her through frosted glass in a shower. I can't make out anything. Not facial features, not basic body type, not even the color of her hair. With the exception of one perfectly focused detail: her toes. Brilliant blue toe polish, a blue like the waters off of Maui. A toe ring on her second left toe in the shape of a butterfly with a tiny red jewel in the center. Her littlest toe on her right foot curls inward a little further than normal, as if she had injured it in the past. She twiddles them slowly, deliberately. As if she's enjoying the feel of the soft ocean breeze flowing through them. The big toe on her left foot has a callous. Obviously an active and athletic woman.

What's even more strange about this dream is that I don't have a foot fetish. At all. I honestly think feet are the most unattractive part of a woman's body. Yet for some reason the woman in my dream is limited to only showing me her toes.

I've had this dream off and on for literally the past 3 years. And I think I've finally figured out what it means...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I'm writing this blog for myself. Most of it won't make sense to anybody else. I don't really care. I want to visit this blog a few years from now and see what my outlook on life was like.

So I apologize if it's haphazard and mindless drivel from here on out. That will make it similar to 98% of all the other blogs out there :)